It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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