I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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