Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
MIDGETS
????
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
