After last night, I could never be a politician.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
