four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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