So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
