I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
