Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
