so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
