i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
