I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
