i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
