I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
