don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
