do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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