At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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