After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
