My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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