Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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