I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
