My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
