Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I could make wine with my vomit
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
