You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
