shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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