I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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