that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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