i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
