I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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