Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
