I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
