she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
