Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Even my vagina gasped.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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