Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
