Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
