Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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