I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
