hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
