Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You are a genius and a whore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
