i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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