listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i've created a new STD.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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