So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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