Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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