i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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