apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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