How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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