Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize