tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We are all done wearing pants today
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