So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
