so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
