the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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