She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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