i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
