ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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