Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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