Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
