i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
