you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
