My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
