I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
