i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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