I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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