i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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