I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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